From Rebirth to Remembering

22 min read

Polish Catholicism

I have been raised in a house of Christianity, more specifically Polish Catholicism. We have been a traditional Catholic family, celebrating the Christian holidays, attending church on Sundays and up to my early adolescence I have been following religious lessons on Saturdays. I have gone through the process of baptism, communion as well as my confirmation, making me a diligent Christian follower.

Or so it would seem….

As early as I can remember, I was rebelling against this religious upbringing, more specifically: church on Sundays. It started from crying and making a scene, forcing my parents to leave the mass, followed by me asking intricate questions about the stories being told.

To my surprise and frustration, my questions could rarely be answered. Some of them were answered, but when I asked follow up questions, touching the roots of religion, I was left confused. Initially I thought it was the lack of my family’s studies into Christianity, I mean, there were other people more knowledgeable to answer these questions, like the preacher, right?

Or so I thought….

Religious lessons on Saturdays, another challenge, though more pleasurable than Sunday mass, as I was in a class with peers from similar age, making the teachings more understandable for us children. Apart from studying one prayer after another, there also was room for questions. Or even if there wasn’t, I would still be asking questions, as I was never satisfied with answers like “just because” or “because I say so” or “because the scriptures say so”.

To my surprise the person who I thought should be most knowledgeable, the preacher, also was not able to answer my questions. You may wonder what those supposedly intricate questions were, seemingly unanswerable by adults.

Unanswered Questions

The questions were actually quite simple, though the answers were not.

“Why is there more than one religion and why do those religion say there is only their God and other religions are wrong?”

It started with questions like these and the older I got the more my questions turned into a more philosophical or scientific approach, wondering how the knowledge of the old and new testament came to existence (has it been written by God?) or pondering how much knowledge has been lost in translation or misinterpreted by the translators.

The more my questions were ignored or being shut down by remarks like “because I say so” or “because the Bible says so”, the more I started to alienate myself from religion.

I have never been a person who does things because ‘somebody says so’. If I would be forced to join the army (thank God – pun intended – I was not), I’d be kicked out or proclaimed a deserter pretty fast.

My thirst for answers was being felt by others as well, teachers who could not give me the answers I was looking for, limitations of science only focusing on things one can prove, measure or see (ironic, as we human beings see less than 2.3% of the, to our knowledge, visible light spectrum.

Time after time I was stumbling upon the same walls of bullshit, layer after layer. I kept on wondering why people would just take things for granted, either because a person says so, a book/scripture says so, an institution says so, a corporation says so or anyone else with power says so.

Why do you underestimate your own reasoning, deduction, logical thinking or questioning of life?
Why do you doubt yourself?
Why do you give up so easily?
Why are you giving so much power to somebody else?

For years I have been trying to conform to belief systems of others, following my peers, my family, recognizable institutions and media. All those years there was a feeling within me that was not at all satisfied with this, a perpetual itch making me frustrated, unsatisfied and hungry for answers.

The Never Ending Itch

However, due to a low self esteem and other battles I was fighting (see my first blog for more personal in depth), I kept on suppressing this itch. During my adolescence I was rebelling more and more against the teachings of the Church, as well as my family, who wanted to enforce those values and belief systems upon me.

This led to a point where I completely lost faith in Christianity and religion. I chose the path of atheism, believing there is no God or any higher power from above.

But then, there was this itch, never leaving me, constantly rising to the surface. I kept on wondering and asking myself questions like “what is infinity?” “what does it mean the Universe is endless?” “where do we come from?”. I started reading and wondering about other universes, other civilizations and star systems.

The church, and science, had always taught me that Mankind is at the top of intelligence in this Universe, being the center of everything. According to mainstream science the probabilities of intelligent life elsewhere in this Universe are close to zero. I could never fathom these kind of arrogant and shortsighted views given by what most of us would call credible and knowledgeable scientists and scholars.

Years were passing, I started studying and my existential questions slowly started to lead to an existential crisis. I was struggling to find my identity in this world, constantly facing questions like “what is my purpose in this life?” “why did I come to this earth?” There must be something more, I could just not make peace with the fact that life would be a random happening based on chance, a Darwinist belief system, which is currently being challenged by mainstream science.

(If you are interested in this subject, check out Lamarck (19th century) and Nathanielsz who is following up on that research due to the rise of epigenetics. In fact, I recommend reading Bruce Lipton’s Biology of Belief ).

Atheism did not seem to be the path for me either, as it created more frustration than answers. Without faith, my life revolved around quick pleasures and a hedonistic way of living. My relationships with people were quite superficial, albeit I thought I was having in depth conversations, I would never really open myself up to a place where I would show my vulnerable sides. Sharing my fears, the things I was ashamed of or my insecurities was not something I would be doing as openly as I do now.

This hedonistic seeking of purpose lead me to an abyss where I was engulfed by emptiness, shallowness, hollowness and suffering.

Back to Spirituality: Buddhism

Through, what I could only call, divine intervention (see my previous blog for clarification), I took a ‘risky’ turn in my life, exploring the depths of Buddhism, not only in another country, but at the other side of the world, in a remote Asian wonder called Nepal. With the rise of the New Age movement in Holland, I had learned about Buddhism a couple of years earlier. Internet facilitating the speed in which this information spread as well as a Dutch trend of positivism, mindfulness and ‘seeking oneself’, gave me the push to follow through on this call of sirens.

Spending close to a year on different continents, exploring the depths of Buddhism by following a variety of different retreats, made me understand another culture, another perspective and another religion through direct experience.

Some of the unanswered questions I had, were finally answered, or at least, given another perspective on, so that I could understand my own questions in more depth.

What attracted me to Buddhism is the fact that they do not follow a Godlike figure, but merely a ‘simple’ human being who was teaching ways of acquiring enlightenment: for me synonymous to leading a fulfilled life. For somebody like me who had generated hatred towards the words God, religion and church, a fresh perspective from Buddhism gave me the opportunity to come back to a spiritual life without a strong negative bias coloring the Buddhistic teachings.

Equanimity and Meditation

The teachings made a lot of sense to me, with a foundation of equanimity, it showed me how to seek for a balance in my own mind: a hasty mind that has always been, and still is, chasing thought after thought, rarely giving me a moment of silence.

In addition to this I learned about meditation, not only in theory but through direct experience, spending hours per day in silence. Well, not really silence, calming my mind is a challenge I am facing every day, but at least it gave me the opportunity to observe my mind more closely. Every day I was trying to understand what is happening in my mind, why it is happening, how it influences my body as well as  my emotional and mental well-being.

For me, meditation in Buddhism is the equivalent of prayer in Christianity. The more I understood Buddhism, the more I started to see resemblances with Christianity. I still saw many (cultural) differences, but it became clearer to me that there is more similarity between religions than I used to think.

Applying What Resonates With Me

With a fresh perspective and more life experience, I started to explore spirituality again. Buddhism attracted me a lot and answered some of my questions, but at the same time I started seeing pitfalls and sides of the philosophy that did not resonate with me. Now, however, instead of alienating myself from spirituality, I just took the things that worked for me in my life and left the rest behind me.

This gave me the opportunity to learn constructively and apply the teachings that seemed to fit with my perspective on life. The ways of diving deeper into the mind and roots of my existence, through meditation, mindfulness and equanimity, helped me to find more meaning in my life. My egocentric world view was moving back again to what I had long forgotten as a child: a collective perspective on life, starting to understand that the whole is more than the sum of its parts.

For a couple of years I enjoyed the teachings of Buddhism, until I started psychotherapy in 2014 (see my first blog post for more info). I was blessed with a therapist who believes that psychology ought to be complemented with spirituality. This helped me a lot as during my five years of Psychology I also came to the conclusion that Psychology can help us a lot, but oftentimes it is limited to its own scientific approaches.

Combining Spiritual Forces

Coming back to Christianity in early adulthood, with more life experience behind me, I started seeing the teachings in a different light. Not always as literal as I would as a child, but trying to understand the perspectives in ways that I deemed fit. The pieces of my spiritual puzzle were coming together and my existential questions were slowly getting answered.

On my path so far, I had tried a variety of different approaches to find answers on my existential questions. From religion, to philosophy, to science, to the use of mind altering substances, where each of those experiences answered some of my questions, but not all of them.

However, my most fundamental existential questions were still not really answered. I was getting some abstract answers like “the meaning of life is what you make of it”, which in the end I do agree with, but the curiosity within me wanted to dive even deeper and search behind this question. Surely, there must be some divine purpose as to how this magical Universe works?

This itch was simply not leaving me alone and I kept on wondering why. It seemed that I was getting answers that were satisfying for others, so why not for me? What was this inexhaustible push towards finding the roots of my existence?

Controversy… Or Is It?

The following part will probably be controversial for some of you. If you want to continue reading, I would advise to read it with an open mind, postponing all your judgment until later. Read it, give it a rest and judge it in a few days. If it does not resonate with you, try seeing it as metaphors in your own life.

The core is more important than the shell.

In order to answer my existential questions, I started to explore history of mankind, diving into knowledge about ancient cultures. During high school, as with religion, I also had many unanswered questions about physics, science and history. I was wondering how archaeologists could make such solid conclusions, stating historical happenings as facts, as if they were living in those periods themselves.

Diving in Ancient History

It has always fascinated me how we could be drawing such rigid conclusions based on some excavations and contemporary interpretations, whilst we have so little idea about the cultures who lived a couple of thousand years ago. I find it strange that we believe that the interpretation we give to ancient drawings or structures, with a 19th, 20th or 21st century point of view, would give us answers to a point of view that is a couple of thousand years old.

The more I dived into the history of ancient civilizations, the Egyptians, the Mayans, the Peruvians, cultures all across the globe who, surprisingly, shared a lot of similarities, the more ambiguities I was finding in the teachings from school. Those cultures shared more similarities than one would expect from cultures living thousands of kilometers apart from each other, without the means of internet or mobile phones to communicate.

It also became clearer to me why our historical perspectives are so rigid and biased. Why the mainstream scientific community is not interested in other archaeological research being done. Work that could, and probably would, discredit the work of a couple of Egyptologists. Work that has been done for decades.

Scientific Integrity

With a scientific background, having both a bachelor and master degree, I have encountered both up- and downsides of science. Surely, science has brought us many wonderful things and when the integrity of science and its studies is of the highest standards, we can all benefit from it.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where certain values seem to be more important than scientific integrity. Without getting too much off track, as I am sure some of you reading this are having the words conspiracy theorist on the tip of their tongues, let me show you a recent example of potential flaws of scientific studies.

Not only in Psychology, but also in the Medical, Biology, Physics, Chemistry and other fields similar results are coming to the surface. Obviously, the scientific community is not happy about it and certainly not a proponent of making a big media fuss about it, but it does show an aspect of science that we ought to take into consideration.

Now I don’t want to spend too much time on it, as this is a potential subject for another blog, but I do want to underline that I believe our personal reasoning and personal logic is highly underestimated nowadays.

I mean, even with clear facts of climate change, we still have a president in the USA who supports the advancement of the oil industry. A president who is supported by hundreds of millions of people. For me, this is a clear example of how a lot of people are not relying on their personal logic and reasoning.

Let me underline that I am not against science, at all. I am against taking on views without giving them sufficient consideration, exploring other points of view and asking yourself critical questions. Why do I believe what I believe? Is it really that logical?

Oftentimes when I ask myself simple questions, to what seems to be simple answers, I end up realizing that I take things for granted without giving them a lot of thought. It does not hurt me to challenge my perspective, in fact, it only allows me to learn more about myself and the world.

Challenging the Status Quo

Back on-topic. Whilst diving into ancient cultures and history of mankind, I discovered that a lot of these cultures were far more advanced than we give them credit for. Even in mainstream science there are many unanswered questions to how or why certain structures and devices were build.

In my search I discovered that there are countless archaeologists who have been challenging the status quo for decades now. With the most appealing example of the Pyramids of Giza. What I found out is that this knowledge, written in history books across the globe, is coming from research done by a few Egyptologists: local archaeologists. Internationally acclaimed archaeologists have not been allowed to do independent follow up research. The research that has been done independently is being denied and not given a fair chance for clarification or publication.

If these subjects interest you, there is a really cool documentary on youtube, which dives into this subject without prejudice or bias (in case the youtube video gets the deleted, it is called The Revelation of the Pyramids and is posted on a channel called “Best Documentary”)

This is just one of the dubious things I have stumbled upon in my search for clarification. The more I dove into these subjects, the more interesting material I found. One subject that intrigued and fascinated me is intelligent life on other planets in our Universe.

We Are Not Alone

For decades media all over the world have been showing us stories of people encountering intelligent lifeforms, either by direct contact or by observing flying objects totally foreign to our civilization on earth. There have been reports from politicians, to pilots, to army personnel, sharing with us unexplained experiences of encounters with flying objects as well as intelligent beings not from the human race. There is an interesting Netflix documentary, Unacknowledged, about this subject that came out last year (2017), which will answer more questions than I can in this short blog post.

Why am I talking about this? How is this connected with religion and my spiritual journey?

The controversial part I was talking about earlier will be starting here. So how to take this information as a metaphor, if you don’t believe in what I will be talking about? Maybe focus on the in-depth information that I want to cover, as opposed to the means and processes I am talking about.

As my fascination for mankind and its roots of existence grew and I started to dive into these subjects, I stumbled upon a phenomenon called channeling. A form of communication wherein a person channels information given to them from other dimensions, which can be a deceased person, an entity from another dimension or a lifeform in our Universe that has the means of telepathic communication and sends their thoughts to be channeled through the person here on earth.

I watched some videos of people channeling interesting information answering some questions I had developed in my search through ancient history.

In one of the videos I watched on youtube, December 2017, I browsed through the comment section and a reply to one comment caught my attention. It was not the first time I browsed through the comment section on youtube, however, it was the first time I followed through. I clicked to see the profile of the person commenting. Something intrigued me and I checked out the website that I found in the about section of the profile. Another thing intrigued me on the website, enough for me to send a message through the contact form.

Remembering My Roots

From this moment I started to remember….

I did not realize it yet, but this was about to become a pivotal moment in my spiritual journey. A pivotal moment in my life.

After I sent the message, I got a reply back, we started emailing and within a few days I had shared my life story. Something felt so right about this contact, I could not yet explain it, but it felt so familiar and comfortable.

It was so in line with spiritual path I was on and the information I was receiving through this contact blew my mind. Suddenly everything was becoming crystal clear to me: my life purpose, the root of my existence, why I came to this planet, why this particular time and what I came to do here.

The feeling I had when I made the choice to travel to Nepal (see my earlier blog), was coming back again. However, this time it lasted longer, in fact, it keeps on lasting up to this point.

Something I cannot explain rationally and to the rational and logical reader this may sound absurd, but all my existential doubts have been fading away ever since.

Such a familiar feeling, accompanied by life circumstances and experiences, which only confirm the truth of this feeling. I start to remember why I am here on this earth, the root of my (soul) existence as well as the purpose of my current life.

As I dived into the subject of spiritual awakening, I started reading more books, watching interesting videos, talking with people and kept stumbling upon topics I had not heard before.

So what exactly is it that I am remembering?

I Am… An Alien!

I remember my extraterrestrial origins, the path my soul has been taking for eons. For as long as I can remember I have been feeling alienated from this planet, my surroundings, my environment. For a long time I thought it was because I have been born to immigrant parents, coming from a different culture. It seemed to be a valid explanation, but somehow I could not find myself in it completely.

You may wonder, how can I be so sure of it? How can I prove it? Sometimes, we know things, just because we know. I know I love my parents, I cannot prove it though. I know I want to become the best version of myself, I cannot prove it though. There is a plethora of information about these subjects and once you dive into it a new world will open for you.

Since the coming of the New Age movement, a variety of terms have been used to describe people like myself. In the early 70s and 80s a term called Indigo Children came to the surface and this has been the start of souls incarnating on this planet to bring a change beyond what has been known to humanity for hundreds of years.

In my search for answers I have come across many other terms like walk-ins and lightworkers, but what resonates most with me is….


If you have not heard of this term, you can find a good explanation on this website, which also talks about walk-ins and other interesting subjects.

In short, Starseeds are souls who came to this planet to incarnate as human beings to help raise the frequencies and consciousness of mankind. As we are living in a transitional time, not only in terms of technology and the Third Industrial Revolution happening right now, but also in terms of planetary and solar shifts. We are slowly moving away from 3-Dimensional consciousness to 4th and 5th Dimensional consciousness.

The old Mayan calendar ended in 2012.

A lot of misinterpretations have been given to it, supposedly the end of the world was coming. The end of the Mayan calendar does not signify the end of the world, it simply states the end of a solar cycle. Some call it that we are in the Age of Aquarius, others say we are moving into the Bronze Age. Whatever name you give it, we are currently experiencing a shift in a Universal cycle of approximately 25.000 years, which also partially explains strange earthly phenomena like climate change or the Mandela Effect (I would recommend browsing this website as there is a lot of misinformation on the internet discrediting the Mandela Effect as false memories).

To Eternity and Beyond

The person who helped me remember, a fellow Starseed, my Soul Sister, has a fascinating youtube channel where you can find readings about different Starseed origins. She is super knowledgeable, radiating high frequency energies as well as current information about shift in frequencies, polarities, dimensions etc.

For starters I would recommend watching her own Starseed awakening

From the moment I stumbled upon her channel, every day I remember new things about where I came from and what my purpose in life is. The unanswered questions I had for almost three decades are finally being answered. I dove into these subjects, immersing myself with knowledge from fascinating books, articles, videos and real-life experiences, both personal as well as from others and discovered that there really are no limits.

What often helps me in exploring new subjects is to ask myself simple questions that challenge the status quo. I have found out that many things I have been believing in, were simply because of the fact that somebody told me a long time ago and I have never really questioned it. Once I started questioning, my horizons have been broadened in all fields.

I could go on and on about this subject, as there is so much interesting information I could share and I do love to talk about this subject, share the information I stumbled upon and help others who have been facing similar existential crises like I did. For this blog post I would like to stay to the subject of my Spiritual Awakening answering the most important questions I have been having for my whole life.

Maybe I will write some blog posts about these topics in the future.

For now, I invite everyone who wants to know more about this (or other things about me 😊) to please contact me via whatever channel works for you.

Big hug, love & light <3



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